We’ve been off the road for a week and I already feel like a different person.
I love both versions of myself, we’re good for different things, but I was starting to miss myself towards the end of this run. I look back at pictures and go “Who is this girl?!”
We are both genuinely me, but one is fierce and loud and unapologetic and spreads her arms wide open every night on stage, always trying to give out and make every human in that space feel a connection.
The other part of me, the one who writes this now, is quiet and reserved, as all my introvertism surfaces, because it can. On the road, the combination of living in a small space with 7 boys plus trying to give my best to our audience every night means I don’t indulge in my introverted tendencies.
I don’t feel drained on tour, not like I used to. I feel energized, nearly constantly, and that energy serves me show after show. But I can’t pretend I don’t neglect a certain part of myself while out there; I haven’t figured out how to give all parts of me equal stage time, and I don’t know if want to.
I guess I enjoy coming home and feeling old familiar parts of myself again. There you are. I think more clearly, because there is space to. I have more time to be introspective, so I journal for hours. The act of sitting with my soul helps me know and love myself a little more every time.
We go to Europe in 2 weeks, so here I am, situated in this precious little in between time, trying to make the most of it. Trying to breath deeply, because on tour sometimes it’s hard to catch your breath. Trying to honor all my creative impulses, because on tour, well, I haven’t really figured out how to make new things on tour yet. Trying to gather up all these moments of stillness, silence, space, and save them for some chaotic day in Paris when I will look back and be so jealous that I had a lazy Sunday morning simply to write.